


Being In Love - Unconditional Love

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, MTF themes, mention of aliens altering Jim’s gender without his permission, wanting to be FTM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:09:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: This is an old Spirk story I thought I’d already posted.Jim’s hormones and outward gender are changed by aliens, wishing to teach him a lesson.He, is, of course, faced with gender dysphoria, for his old gender status. In a relationship with Spock already, their love transcends everything.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, Spirk - Relationship
Kudos: 13





	Being In Love - Unconditional Love

Being In Love - Unconditional Love..?

"You said that this would be gone by now!" Jim sat up from his place on the biobed, and looked at McCoy.

"The life of what the Nuwrosians did to your body is supposed to be nearing an end now, according to the records they shared with us - but I have consulted with their experts, and we believe that, because of your biochemistry, the effects are lasting longer, but it won't be forever. Another three of our months at most, Jim." Bones touched Jim's shoulder and spoke to him, meeting his eyes very deliberately.

"Whatever lesson it is they wanted me to learn, I've learnt it by now." Jim looked to the wall despondently, and then, back to his friend, McCoy. "And, whatever I do, these damn female hormones keep re-asserting themselves. I work out, to keep my shape, or the one I used to almost take for-granted, I come to you for my injections. I meditate, for my sanity. I'm keeping on top of my meds regime." Jim said honestly, but rather sourly, as his words 'on top of' rang a bell in his mind and body that he wished they hadn't. "How am I supposed to be sure the hormones won't always re-assert themselves?"

"They are meant to re-assert themselves for a certain amount of time only, that amount of time we spoke of just a moment ago, which, for you, will be longer, but not endless. I can show you proof of that in your own medical records." Bones noted truthfully.

"I wish it was only one moment longer that I have to remain like this. I'll have to take a sabbatical. I know I'm still capable of Captaincy, but I will, at the very least, be the laughing stock of the Federation's enemies, those who don't come from gender-changing or gender-non-specific races. That cannot being a figure to ridicule or question, cannot bring about anything good for the people for whom we do our duty." Jim decided. "I'll go away, wait for the end of this, have any reconstructive surgeries I might need, and make my way back."

__ ___ ____

Jim waited for Spock to come off duty, and meet with him, as they had pre-arranged, in his (the Captain's Quarters). He took his meds while he waited, he had a shower; he dressed hurriedly, into an oversized T shirt, and now baggy slacks. He sat on the sofa, attempting to rest, to meditate a little, even.

When Spock turned up, and had been in Jim's Quarters with him for a while, Jim stood up from his seat at the chess table, walked over to Spock, and crouched beside Spock.

Spock turned in his seat to face Jim. "What is it?"

"I'm leaving until this," Jim gestured at his current feminine/female state, "is over. I'll make my way back, but I'm leaving for now." He paused. "I need the rest, apart from any other consideration."

"From me?" Spock queried. "From my problem..?"

"No." Jim answered. "I know that you love me."

"Can I come with you?" Spock asked, thinking to himself that that was more than in only one sense the question.

"Do you want to? I mean, would it help, do you think? Could we at least talk more about things?" Jim pondered aloud. "I'm not talking about pressurising you into trying to make love. We need to discuss how we are going to approach our personal future. We are not even meant to be in a relationship, according to common Starfleet rules. Yet, we are - although we might have to make some sacrifices with regards to finding, at least, you, a sexual partner for Pon Farr. The experts say this will end in months, but if they're wrong, I might still be like this in the years to come. You'll need a new partner to make physical love with, if that's the case."

"Making love is what we should be doing, Jim." Spock touched Jim's slightly more slender than usual, hands. "When two people say they are in love, indeed, truly fall in love - It is then that sex becomes making love, and 'making love' is used to communicate that deep, basically unconditional love, that 'being in love' should mean, should allude to. That love is a love that I still feel for you. I still desire to be able to show you proof of that love. I do not profess to be in love with you. I mean it. I feel it. I want you to feel as accepted and acceptable by me, as you have always made me feel. I feel that I want this for you not just because I care for you, and feel affection toward you, but because I am still in love with you, T'hy'la. "

"The trouble is, that you don't desire me." Jim replied, "Or, rather, my physical form as it now is."

"You are attractive, Jim. I can ascertain that." Spock responded.

"How? Is it a conclusion you've arrived at from watching others around me, those that don't realise that I'm Jim Kirk?" Jim wondered, trying to keep his voice, and his attitude, even and fair.

"No. It is simply the case that I am not blind. I do not consider you ugly, neither does your body seem bland and entirely uninteresting to me..." Spock tried to explain. "My problem is that I have never made love to a female of any species, only a male. A fellow male Vulcan, and one other human male. I have never wanted to make love, or have sex with, a female before - apart from when I thought one was my only option, during my first Pon Farr. I may then have been capable of the physical state required for full sexual intercourse; in fact, I think, definitely, in the state of Pon Farr, I would have been able to 'do the necessary' enough to quench the pain, and the thirst, to dowse the fire, just enough. The drives then are so strong, so over-riding, that the physical states of arousal happen on their own, without any encouragement. T'Pring would have been able to tell that, as you humans say, 'my heart was not in it', but, as it turns out, I do not think, even if we had married, that that would have mattered to her - and, logic would have dictated to her that she, if she felt a need for it, should find love elsewhere, in some kind of association outside of our marriage- because I was not in love with her, I would hardly have needed to supress any emotions on the matter, and it would have worked for her and myself."

"Should we both try and do that?" Jim asked, his own heart not in that.

"I am more than your friend, more even than a member of your family - That did not die within me, or within you, when this change was forced upon you. I wish to make love to you, Jim, to give you the sex life, the life of completely fulfilling love, that a married person is worthy of from their marriage partner." Spock pledged. "And, now that I've found you, I don't want to be intimate with anyone other than you - not because of any Vulcan effort or unease, but because I love you as a person still in love, and I still do feel a need to receive physical comforts and pleasures from you, as much as I wish to give you these things still. Yet, if we make love, because your biochemical changes have, thankfully, not changed our Vulcan bond, you will know if I feel in any way perturbed or if I am struggling to react the way I absolutely want to. I don't want that for you. As I said, although I realise that you deeply want to return to being seen and held as a male, I want you to accept love and your body itself, while it is like this. The pain of not accepting, entirely, who you are, is a pain I particularly do not wish you to have to become accustomed to. Yes, in all honesty, there are some things I am unsure of - what will be possible, and how it will occur, but I wish us to resume sexual intimacy, Ashaya."

"Is there a disparity between what we both want, and what we can ask of your body?" Jim had to ask.

"I do not know. It is more than the fact that I need to gain confidence with your female body, I will admit to that - but, as I said, your current form is not something for which I do not care at all - and I feel that there could be more to that, at least, on some level, metaphysical or otherwise, than that this female form contains your soul. I have to ask, Jim, would you be happy, or, at least, more at peace with your body like this, if it were not for my predicament born of yours?"

"I still want to be male, Spock. I loved it as much as you did, and as much as you do with regards to your own physical male form." Jim confided. "Though, perhaps, I could relax more, if I didn't have to think about this turning my whole life upside down; if I didn't have to think about finding sex, and love, combined, somewhere else. No other love could compare to what I have found in, and with, you. In all truth, I will miss what we could do together when I was male, too; when more than who I am inside, was totally male, and not even effeminate, which is what I am now, during my best moments. Despite all this, I still need sex - and I would rather not have to find it outside of our incomparable love, and unquestioned, unconditional bond. I do not want to spoil our love. I keep saying it, but I couldn't find anything to compare, and neither do I truly wish to. Sex is a need that, for once, I wish I did not have."

"Nor any love I could find apart from you, Jim. I could make myself live without sex, but I would rather I didn't have to, and I do still wish to communicate my love to you in every wonderful way that you deserve to know its strength and assurance, comfort, and answering power. You need to know that mine still calls for yours." Spock promised, touching and kissing Jim the Vulcan way, and then, placing a kiss on Jim's lips. A slow, venturing kiss.

"We could try a neuro-attached prosthetic. Not ideal, for either you, or me -but neither is doing things in a hetero sense, if we do find ourselves truly uncomfortable with it. We could try hiding my curves more than I already do." Jim breathed into the kiss, after pushing himself to dare to breathe at all right now.

"We can, and likely, will use a neuro-prosthetic in the near future, but, if my body can react to the senses and sensations of being inside the vagina you currently have, I will no doubt feel satisfaction. This is, if you decide, that you wish to make use of your female genitalia for sex? I sense that you are at least curious, and that is not something you should apologise for. Do not be ashamed of your body, Jim. I do not want that for you. There is no need for it." Spock replied, holding Jim in an embrace.

"It upsets us both!" Jim called out.

"Feel from our bond the truth, Jim. Your form does not upset me in the way that you think. It only upsets me in that I know it is not how you absolutely want to be. I hope that neither will it confound my body's ability to make you feel loved." Spock leant forward, and kissed Jim, again, on the lips, and with the O'zhesta. "We will find a way." He promised Jim, and himself.

"I am angry at myself," Jim confided quietly, “for obviously failing women somehow, because I apparently so clearly needed to be shown what life on this side of the human gender divide is like..."

"This is not your fault, T'hy'la. You cannot judge yourself based on the opinions of these people. I have told you this. Doctor McCoy has told you this. Uhura and Yeoman Rand have also told you as much. Neither have you caused any unjust incident between the Federation and those that did this to you. My father, and some of his colleagues, are talking with their Nuwrosian counterparts. You did nothing wrong. I am a Vulcan, therefore, I would not just tell you that you are blameless because you happen to be the love of my life."

The End..?  
30.1.16


End file.
